I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
