just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
