you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
