I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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