No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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