Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
