apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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