i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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