Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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