Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
