it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
