I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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