I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
