My hair reeks of homosexuality.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
