I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
