When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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