12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
