what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
