he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
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Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My bed smells like the plague
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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