Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
