So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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