Cold hands, warm shart.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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