well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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