i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
