Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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