Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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