I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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