see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
