Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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