i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
