I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
