Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
