I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
