I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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