Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
