I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
