you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
But theres a keg here and me gusta
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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