I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
