I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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