I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
