I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
