I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
