So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
