So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
