The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
