You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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