Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
