How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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