Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
