just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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