Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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