i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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