if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
