i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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