Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
