Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
