We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
