Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
