I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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