I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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